I've never been good at being personal --- sure, I can joke with the best of 'em. I'm pretty darn good at being on-stage and taking on someone else's persona in improv comedy, but that's because it's not ME you're laughing at; it's the portrayal of a made up character.
In real life, I ignore my inner self using distraction techniques. Let's go golfing, drink some beer on the course, and poke fun at one another for our bad shots. Let's go skiing and talk about how good or bad the conditions are instead of what's really on my mind. But when it comes to really opening up, I've never been great at displaying that for the world to see. I only use the best stuff or the stuff I think everyone else wants to see and leave out the rest. But why? In the end, we all have just one person to please:
Yourself.
---by simply making it this far in the read, I've already eliminated the people that can't comprehend this or lack the will to believe it. They've closed out and moved on to 'better things' because authentic connection is less important to them than the image they portray to their friends and the world. I wrote this article for me, but I am honored for you to read it, and hope my experience resonates with you in some way.
My Journey
It's never quite felt like I've had enough going for me, and that something has always been in the way. Little did I know it was myself all that time.
I've failed... a LOT!
Being someone other than myself has always been more intriguing than being myself. I'm pretty sure that's the entire reason we watch television! My life was certainly not as entertaining as the guy on TV's.
I've thought of myself as a rockstar (Chris Cornell from Audioslave), as a stand-up comedian (Robin Williams), as an improviser (Colin Mochrie from Whose Line Is It Anyway?), as an X-Game's skier (Bobby Brown), as a classical pianist (Sergei Rachmaninoff, Romance era pianist), and as a real estate super-agent (Ryan Serhant from Million Dollar Listing New York). I've spent an unbelievable amount of time planning and attempting to recreate what makes each of these individuals unique, and trying to build something similar to what they have already achieved.
--- and none of these aspirations or personas have taken hold yet. That's because I've been denying the thing that makes me unique, and even the thing that makes everyone reading this article unique.
Yourself.
I'm going to say that over and over in this post because wherever you are reading this, no one else is going through life with your perspective. Your reality is just that: it's yours. No one else is experiencing the day-to-day like you are, and no one else can tell you who YOU ought to be.
My original problem was listening to everyone else.
I've got an affinity for playing the victim role, as we all do from time to time. #treatyoself is a great example. When you're down on something, just go grab yourself a treat and you'll feel better, temporarily. It's not a fix for anything, usually it's just a tasty reminder of your own insecurities. Don't buy into self-pity and don't listen to everyone else. That's the problem! It took me until November 2018 to gain a better understanding of how to be a better me. Up until that point, I was a slave to the ideas of how I wanted the world to view me, not of how I wanted to be viewed by the world.
BIG DIFFERENCE!
Last week, I released my scariest blog post (HOLD UP! Before you even THINK of Real Estate --- What Do You Actually Want Out of Life?), and I realized it was the scariest post I've ever released because it's the first truly personal piece I've ever posted. And it wasn't even that personal, honestly! Just my beliefs on how people come up with their life goals, it's not like I was discussing some embarrassing dating experience.
Some of the Facebook stuff I post is 100% authentic, but just like most others (there I go using external words instead of internal words again!) I ended up curating my feed and only posting the best aspects of my life: my wife, travel, my pets, our wedding, other weddings, family gatherings, honeymoon pictures, parties with friends, amazing scenery, etc., and not the raw details of my failures. Who wants that stuff on the internet, right?
Failure is a part of my life, and real estate has tested my limits.
Many people use the phrase 'The straw that broke the camel's back' in hard times. (OMG! "many people", see, I'm using common generalities instead of my own again!) I have had my back broken about 3 times in real estate now and each time it happened I said:
"THAT'S THE LAST STRAW!!"
It never was the last straw, though. 3 times I said that! And each time the emotional toll got higher, and the stress got deeper because of some failing in my business. What was I doing wrong?!
I would contemplate quitting, giving up, finding a "regular job", but I persisted anyway. Why? Because I fully believe that I am '6 feet from striking gold' and I've already dug down 994 feet to find it. No job offers the flexibility real estate does. To give up on real estate would be like giving up on life. I get business in all the places I want to be: skiing, improv, sports, music, fooling around, networking, throwing parties, and hanging out with friends. There's one important component to any career that makes you more unique than all the rest.
Yourself.
Embracing that has been difficult, even as I write this post. This article is about writing something for me, not you (sorry). But if you're selfish for the right reasons there is no denying you absolutely SHOULD be a selfish person.
Redefine your definition of selfish:
Self- (a person's essential being that distinguishes them from others)
-ish (of, relating to, or being)
In my personal definition, it means 'to be concerned with my own unique being'
For example, if you are running for Governor and know for certain that you can change the lives of millions because you have the unique skills necessary to do it: be selfish and be entitled. If your intentions come from a pure and morally good place, then the ends justify the means --- and why would ANYONE ever oppose you for that. Being selfish for the right reasons will only be opposed by those that are being selfish for the wrong ones.
Others that have built their careers on a false sense of entitlement are egomaniacs, and their selfishness is what makes the word selfish have the negative connotation it does in our society.
I know I can provide better representation for my clients than my competitors. I know I can provide a better experience, and I know I cater to a very specific audience --- but I will win every one of them as the opportunity arises!
I have the heart of a lion --- well, a snow leopard.
That's my spirit animal. No matter how steep and rocky the journey up the mountain gets,
the snow leopard uses all it's cunning and unique attributes to be a master of the terrain. They survive in the harshest environment and don't accept failure. To accept failure for a snow leopard is to die on the mountainside.
Failure in real estate means the death of creativity, for me, and knowing that I'm doing something good for each and every client I service keeps me going.
How did I get here? --- I was FIRED!
Yup, fired! It took a toll on me mentally, and getting up from what I thought was a Mike Tyson knockout took some time. 4 years to be exact. I carried the idea with me that 'I am not doing enough' to every job since. "Work harder", "work more efficiently", "you have to prove yourself", "do better work or you'll be fired again!"
On 12/16/2015 I quit my job and took on real estate full-time because I was already killing it part-time. Since then, every year has been a struggle, but it's never been more gratifying or exciting to work for none other than myself. (And I mean that in a literal sense, not an egomaniacal one: "I work for NONE *pause* other than myself")
Low self-esteem is a cataclysmic notion in our society, and I used to be in that place.
I used to think some awful thoughts:
"I am never doing enough."
"I don't want to bother people by making sales calls."
"I don't get invited to things because my friends know I'm fake."
"I am not as liked as I think I am."
"I don't deserve business."
"No one is going to use me because I'm a fake."
"I don't know what I'm doing."
"I am lazy."
None of that is true. I work hard, DAMNIT!
I was drawing too much of my self-worth from the outside world. It's called SELF-worth, no one else can value your self-worth but...
YOURSELF!
Inside, I know none of this is true. I take my job seriously and over-zealously control the details because that's who I am. When I make phone calls, I genuinely want to make a connection and have true interest in the person I'm calling. I get invited to things because I am well-liked and have lots to contribute when it comes to having fun. I am not a fake or a fraud and know exactly what I'm doing when it comes to real estate. Contradicting thoughts, and breaking through false beliefs has been crucial in making the decision to stick with real estate.
But even when things start going your way, it's easy to forget that you're not doing things for OTHER people, or basing your self-worth on how other's perceive you. That definition can only come from
Yourself.
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All of us are defined by something, but it's not always what we think. We're all fake to some degree, and even our own actions can lie. When you post something on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram, you may think it's because of one thing --- and then it actually portrays another thing. I know I can spot a disingenuous post from a mile away.
I've got a gift for observation when it comes to people, and sometimes I wish I could take that gift and see myself from the outside with it.
The beauty of all of this is that I've finally learned to practice self-love. A practice everyone should adopt in this time of low self-esteem and viral posting. I believe social media has it's part to play in all this, but if you're deriving your self-worth from how many followers and likes you get --- you're not in the right mental state when you're using it. There's one person and one person only that can dictate self-worth...
YOURSELF!
***Please feel free to share this article as misery loves company, and I've struggled with self-doubt my entire life without knowing it. By reading this, someone may be truly touched and I hope that it happens. It's never a weakness to admit when you need help, and I never knew I needed it. It took the darkest hours of the most stressful time in my real estate career to lift me back up through self love and the art of mastering my own thoughts.***
Leave some comments about dark times in your own career and how you got past them! Misery is not the only one that loves company, PERSONAL TRIUMPH does too!
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